Help!  I am not me!

So for the last couple of days I have felt so down, so depressed and there is no particular reason why.  Oh, sure, I have all the usual troubles and situations that most people,  finances, friends that need help that I can't fix things for them, kids driving me nuts (adult kids), etc. but nothing that should make me feel like this!!  The only thing I can figure is that I'm experiencing something that they call "Weight Loss Surgery Puberty".  Apparently most of the hormones in your body reside in the fat cells and when you lose weight fairly rapidly you experience a sudden influx of these hormones in your bloodstream.  I sure hope this is what is going on with me because I don't like feeling this way.  Even as I sit here writing this I just feel like crying and I have been doing just that for the last hour or so.  Yuck!  I want to be me!  I am usually a fairly positive, upbeat person but not today!

I am stalled again!  I wonder if this is going to be a pattern?  If I could just stop myself from getting on the scale every day then I probably wouldn't even notice but like last week I have stayed at 198 -198 -198!  Before it was 202 then a 4 pound drop.  I hope the 4 pound drop part happens again.  I think we kind of get spoiled after wls.  The pounds come off pretty fast in the beginning and then when it slows it is hard to deal with.  It makes me want to kick myself a little because from the beginning I have asked God not to let me lose too rapidly because at my age the skin is not going to tighten up like it did in my 20's and 30's.  I tell myself that if I  lose it slower it won't be so bad, lol!  Then when God gives me the desire of  my heart, here I go complaining! 

             Still looking at the big "Why"

A few days ago I was talking about why I overeat, why I let myself get so big, why food has this hold on me.  I have been thinking a lot about it.  I can't really blame it on genetics.  My parents weren't fat, my brothers are all normal weight.  We don't really know much of anything about my father's side of the family.  He was an abused child and he ran away from his home in Pennsylvania when he was just 12 years old and never went back and as far as I know never had any kind of contact with his father again.  His mom had died giving birth to him.  My father was an alcoholic since the day I was born. His drinking made for instability, fear, and sorrow. As changeable as he could be and as much as he was hurting us all by drinking himself into oblivion, I loved him so very much. When I was thirteen years old, he died of alcohol related problems, cirrhosis of the liver and other complications.  He was only 47 years old! I tell you all of this because I think it is why I used food as love for most of my life. I loved food and food loved me. Amid all the chaos and insecurity, I could control the food I ate. When I felt nervous, food was reassuring. When I was anxious food was soothing. When I was sad, food lifted me up. When no one was home, food was my babysitter. For every emotion I could turn to food.  I am just realizing this and remembering some things surrounding food when I was a kid.  I didn't have a weight problem til maybe 10 or so years after my dad died but the food issues started then.  I will continue to explore this.

Short one today, folks :)

                    Day 39 Post-Op

Some days it seems like I had this surgery long ago and I have to remind myself that I am just a little more than a month post-op.  The reason I say that is because I tend to be so hard on myself and think I should be farther along than I am, mentally, physically, pounds down, etc.  I struggle a lot with worrying about the future and I think that is why I think I should be farther along.  I need to live more in the here and now!

In my last post I was telling you about my plateau, my stall at 202.  Drum roll...It finally broke, moved, quit stalling, whatever, lol!  On Friday morning when I got on the scale I thought it said 202 again but then I squinted my tired old eyes and realized the scale said 200.2!  Then Saturday morning it was 199.6 so I made DH come upstairs, got on the scale again so he could see it and I could have a witness!  Yes, ladies, he does know how much I weigh and loves me anyway, lol!  This morning I weighed in at 198.8!  I have been a little afraid it would bounce up over that 200 again and still am so I am going to wait a few more days before I officially declare myself in "Onederland"!

I have been sick for the last few days with a cold and/or sinus infection so I am a little surprised that I lost any weight at all.  I have been in bed, not eating much, no exercise.  Just trying to get in enough protein and all of my supplements.  Several people have commented that it is probably because I had this surgery, that my immune system is compromised because of it.  I am taking it in stride but it makes me a  little angry.  I mean, for crying out loud, it's not like I never had a cold before this.  My daughter was sick with this all of last week (really, really sick) and the odds were good that I would get it from taking care of her so I don't believe the surgery  has anything to do with it.  In fact I am feeling much better today and she was sick for a whole week.

I told you a few days ago about a friend of mine who had this surgery and it took 10 hours and he has 8 incisions.  Well, I found an update on him on Facebook.  Apparently he ended up back in the hospital and is now on a ventilator and they have been worried about his kidneys and bp.  He is 31 and I am 63.  I came through with flying colors in less than 3 hours.  Just goes to show you that you never know how anything will go in this life.  I am praying every day for him and his family.  I will keep you updated too.

                      Frustration!!

It's been a few days since I posted and it is partly because I guess I am having my first plateau or as everyone in wls land seems to call them, my first stall :(  I know I shouldn't weigh every day but I just can't help myself!  Sunday - 202, Monday - 202, Tuesday - 202, Wednesday - 202 and today, Thursday - 202 and just in case you missed that I am stuck at 202!  LOL!  I'm really okay because I know it will move, it has too because most days I am lucky to get in 600 calories.  Maybe I am in that boat where my poor body says, "Hey, if this is all you're going to give me then I am going to hold on to this fat for dear life!"  I have heard people say to eat more or drink more water but for right now I'm going to wait it out.  In fact I am believing that tomorrow will be the big day and I will drop into "Onederland"!  Hey, it could happen :) 

So Tuesday night my brother-in-law was in town from AZ for work and we went to dinner.  We went to Red Robin and I checked the menu out before hand and knew what I was going to have.  I ordered the Chicken Tortilla soup without the tortilla strips on it.  I asked them for a to go container when I ordered and I put half the bowl of soup in the container immediately.  It was pretty good, not hot enough for me because I like soup really hot and I know I was very light on my protein for the day because there were only maybe 3  little pieces of chicken in there but it felt good to go to a restaurant with family and have something to eat and do okay.  One of my grandsons was there and sat next to me and we played the games on the kid's menu which kept me distracted and not feeling deprived at all.  Anytime spent with a grandchild is better than eating anyway in my book.  Love, love, love my grandchildren!

I have a really goofy look on my face but if you look at the before picture at the beginning page of the blog you can see I have lost a substantial amount from then.

That is all for today, peeps!  Hope everyone has a great night!

         Wisdom can be found everywhere!

Found this online and it is much better than anything I have to say today.  I will aspire to not make these mistakes.  I hope this helps someone else too!

1^st Mistake: Not Taking Vitamins, Supplements, or MineralsEvery WLS patient has specific nutritional needs depending on the type of surgery you have had. Not only is it a good idea to ask your surgeon for guidelines, but also consult with an experienced WLS nutritionist. Understand there is not a standard practice that all surgeons and nutritionists follow in guiding WLS patients. So, it is important to do your own research, get your lab tests done regularly, and learn how to read the results. Some conditions and symptoms that can occur when you are deficient in vitamins, supplements, or minerals include: Osteoporosis; pernicious anemia; muscle spasms; high blood pressure; burning tongue; fatigue; loss of appetite; weakness; constipation and diarrhea; numbness and tingling in the hands and feet; being tired, lethargic, or dizzy; forgetfulness, and lowered immune functioning. Keep in mind, too, that some conditions caused by not taking your vitamins, supplements, or minerals are irreversible.
2^nd Mistake: Assuming You Have Been Cured of Your Obesity  
A "pink cloud" or honeymoon experience is common following WLS. When you are feeling better than you have in years, and the weight is coming off easily, it's hard to imagine you will ever struggle again. But unfortunately, it is very common for WLS patients to not lose to their goal weight or to regain some of their weight back. A small weight regain may be normal, but huge gains usually can be avoided with support, education, effort, and careful attention to living a healthy WLS lifestyle. For most WLSers, if you don't change what you've always done, you're going to keep getting what you've always gotten -- even after weight loss surgery.
3^rd Mistake: Drinking with Meals 
Yes, it's hard for some people to avoid drinking with meals, but the tool of not drinking with meals is a critical key to long-term success. If you drink while you eat, your food washes out of your stomach much more quickly, you can eat more, you get hungry sooner, and you are at more risk for snacking. Being too hungry is much more likely to lead to poor food choices and/or overeating.
4^th Mistake: Not Eating Right
Of course everyone should eat right, but in this society eating right is a challenge. You have to make it as easy on yourself as possible. Eat all your meals--don't skip. Don't keep unhealthy food in sight where it will call to you all the time. Try to feed yourself at regular intervals so that you aren't as tempted to make a poor choice. And consider having a couple of absolutes: for example, avoid fried foods completely, avoid sugary foods, always use low-fat options, or only eat in a restaurant once a week. Choose your "absolutes" based on your trigger foods and your self knowledge about what foods and/or situations are problematic for you.
5^th Mistake: Not Drinking Enough Water 
Most WLS patients are at risk for dehydration. Drinking a minimum of 64 oz. of water per day will help you avoid this risk. Adequate water intake will also help you flush out your system as you lose weight and avoid kidney stones. Drinking enough water helps with your weight loss, too.
6^th Mistake: Grazing 
Many people who have had WLS regret that they ever started grazing, which is nibbling small amounts here and there over the course of the day. It's one thing to eat the three to five small meals you and your doctor agree you need. It's something else altogether when you start to graze, eating any number of unplanned snacks. Grazing can easily make your weight creep up. Eating enough at meal time, and eating planned snacks when necessary, will help you resist grazing. Make a plan for what you will do when you crave food, but are not truly hungry. For example, take up a hobby to keep your hands busy or call on someone in your support group for encouragement.
7^th Mistake: Not Exercising Regularly 
Exercise is one of the best weapons a WLS patient has to fight weight regain. Not only does exercise boost your spirits, it is a great way to keep your metabolism running strong. When you exercise, you build muscle. The more muscle you have, the more calories your body will burn, even at rest!
8^th Mistake: Eating the Wrong Carbs (or Eating Too Much)
Let's face it, refined carbohydrates are addictive. If you eat refined carbohydrates they will make you crave more refined carbohydrates. There are plenty of complex carbohydrates to choose from, which have beneficial vitamins. For example, if you can handle pastas, try whole grain Kamut pasta--in moderation, of course. (Kamut pasta doesn't have the flavor some people find unpleasant in the whole wheat pastas.) Try using your complex carbohydrates as "condiments," rather than as the center point of your meal. Try sprinkling a tablespoon of brown rice on your stir-fried meat and veggies.
9^th Mistake: Going Back to Drinking Soda 
Drinking soda is controversial in WLS circles. Some people claim soda stretches your stomach or pouch. What we know it does is keep you from getting the hydration your body requires after WLS--because when you're drinking soda, you're not drinking water! In addition, diet soda has been connected to weight gain in the general population. The best thing you can do is find other, healthier drinks to fall in love with. They are out there.
10^th Mistake: Drinking Alcohol 
If you drank alcohol before surgery, you are likely to want to resume drinking alcohol following surgery. Most surgeons recommend waiting one year after surgery. And it is in your best interest to understand the consequences of drinking alcohol before you do it. Alcohol is connected with weight regain, because alcohol has 7 calories per gram, while protein and vegetables have 4 calories per gram. Also, some people develop an addiction to alcohol after WLS, so be very cautious. Depending on your type of WLS, you may get drunker, quicker after surgery, which can cause health problems and put you in dangerous situations. If you think you have a drinking problem, get help right away. Putting off stopping drinking doesn't make it any easier, and could make you a lot sicker

                       This and That

Life is such a learning experience and having wls starts you off on a whole new learning curve.  One thing I have learned is that it is much easier to try to blog every few days rather than every day or even every other day.  I am a very interesting person (LOL!) but even I don't have that much to say that anyone cares to hear!

A few things to tell you though.  I have a guy friend that had wls last Tues. 9/24.  Turns out the surgery that should've taken about 3 hours took them 10 hours and he has 8 incisions.  Obviously  he had major complications of some sort.  I do not know what happened yet but will post more when I know more.  He is only in his late 20's so age was not a factor.

I went to Pizza Hut on Friday night after my grandson's football game.  It was an interesting experience.  We were with the family of my 14 y/o granddaughter's boyfriend.  I looked at what they had on the salad bar and I looked at the menu and there was really absolutely nothing I felt I could or should eat at this stage in the journey so I just sipped on a large glass of ice water. The table was soon covered with pizza, calzones, breadsticks, marinara sauce and salad bar plates.  I looked at this couple that I just met and said, "Please don't think I am totally strange for not eating but I had gastric bypass a month ago and there is really nothing I can have and I am fine with just my water." Well, God works in mysterious ways and this young gentleman says, "Oh wow, I had the lap band done about a year ago and I have lost 140 pounds!" Suddenly I had a whole bunch of interesting things in common to talk to this couple about and it made it so much easier to sit there while they were all eating.  I felt a little bit sad and deprived but not majorly so and I got through it.  I had eaten my last little meal at about 2pm and it was about 10pm when I got home and I just don't like to eat that late so I didn't.  I was a bit light on my protein for the day as a result but I just figure if it doesn't happen often I will be okay. 

Then last night we went to my brother's for dinner and a movie.  They had spaghetti, garlic bread and a raw veggie tray.  I just figured I was not going to eat again but then my niece and my brother remembered they had some frozen meatballs and we nuked one for me and put a teeny bit of spaghetti sauce on top.  I cut it into about 30 pieces and it took me longer to eat my little meatball than all the rest of them to eat their plateful of spaghetti and bread.  I was completely satisfied, it was something new for me to eat and later when they broke out all the movie candy I pulled out my little sugar free chocolate pudding cup and slowly savored it.  Yay!  I can survive anything!!

Friday I went to the thrift store and purchased 2 pair of jeans and a really cute pink and brown warm-up suit in a size 18.  I was originally a 22 pants and 2x top.  I have found a few XL tops to get me by for a bit.  A size 18 may still be a big size by some standards but to me it feels like a size 6 right now!  That is kind of funny because I will never wear a size 6, I am just too large boned, just ask my size 11 shoes, lol!  But I will be ecstatic if I can get down to maybe a size 12 one day.  One day at a time, right??!!

                      Why do I overeat?

I have been thinking a lot about obesity, why some of us choose to eat too much, whether it is addiction or addictive personality, etc.  And of course, that is leading me down the path of trying to figure out why I overeat, when I began to overeat, when I first realized I was fat.  I have 3 brothers and none of them are obese.  All of them have had short periods of time where they got a little overweight but they took control, lost the weight, and have stayed pretty fit and healthy.  Why am I different?

We grew up pretty poor and food was sometimes kind of scarce.  The food we did have to eat was not of great quality and our mom was not a good cook.  I was pretty skinny as a child and I don't remember food being much of an issue.  I was very active, always outdoors, always playing, running, riding bikes, you name it so I probably would've been skinny no matter what we had to eat.  I remember lots and lots of bologna.  To this day I don't like it, had enough as a kid I guess.  I remember being upset when dad butchered our rabbits and made Hasenpfeffer.  But other than those 2 memories I don't recall much surrounding food.

When I eloped with DH at 16 I was pretty thin.  We hardly had 2 pennies to rub together and ate cheap.  Lots of things made with ground beef, hot dogs, that sort of thing.  We were in the military and made very little money and had to stretch it between paydays.  I was still pretty thin and even after my daughter who was born when I was 17, I still didn't have a weight problem.  I guess it was after my eldest son was born when I was 22 that I began to pack on the pounds.  I was a stay at home mom and I didn't have a car so I guess I began to use food as a companion.  I would bake a lot, especially cookies and when the kids would nap I would get a big glass of milk and a plateful of cookies and watch TV while I scarfed them down without paying much attention to what I was doing.  Mindless eating...I think that has been part of my downfall and I am still struggling with it.  For at least 40 years I have been eating while watching television, reading a book or doing something on the computer.  It is hard to change habits that have continued for that long.  I still find myself doing it and it is a big no-no on the list of things I have to do for my success.

I don't have any answers for you as to what was making me overeat for so many years.  I am and will continue to explore and try to recognize what it is that causes me to do it and if I come up with any answers, you, my blog readers, will be the first to know!